The Problem with Being Stubborn

I finally watched the season premiere of LOST yesterday. Great episode. Creepy imagery (handheld cam from the Others' perspective of the plane breaking apart and crashing to the island). Cool camera angles (camera attached to Sawyer's chest looking up to his face as he is dragged into his cage, ala some of the work in "PI") . All in all another great season premiere for the show.

As I watched the events unfold, as Jack struggled to escape his cell, as he tried to discover the identity of his wife's new love, I made the disappointing connection that he and I are not too dissimilar. He is a stubborn SOB. He won't back down when the chips are stacked against him. He won't do what's smart and concede defeat for the time being so that he can rally again later. He doesn't want to do anything that might, even in the tiniest, microscopic bit, suggest he is giving up.

Case in point, Jack attempts to pull a chain from the ceiling in the small cell the Others have placed him in. What's it connected to? I don't know. Will it help him escape? Perhaps. Jack doesn't really know. Then one of the Others walks in the room next to him, separated by a wall of glass. She asks him to quit pulling on the chain. She tells Jack she has brought food and water for him. All he has to do is stop pulling the chain, put his back against the wall, and allow her to enter and place the food on the table.

Now, to any normal person, this might seem a reasonable request. You're trapped, you have absolutely no control over the situation, the Others are in charge, why not go along with them until you figure things out?

But therein lies the problem. Stubborn people like Jack and myself will NOT admit that they are totally out of control. We like to think, even in the worst situations, that we have some tiny degree of control, that we can make things work out the way we want them to. Besides, these Others have kidnapped people from their group. They have killed innocent survivors from the crash, kidnapped children, dressed up in elaborate costumes, lied- why should Jack trust this woman?

So she asks for him again to stop pulling the chain, and yet he continues, probably not because he thinks it will do any good, but just because he refuses to take orders from one of his captors. She tells Jack that this shouldn't be about pride, that he's not really losing if he goes along with what she's asking, but he continues to pull anyway. So she leaves.

Here is the problem with stubborness. Had this been a normal, clear-thinking person in the cell, he/she probably would have seen the plate of food, the bottle of water and thought "Yeah, this chain thing isn't working out. Why not take a break and eat some food, so what." He/she would have stopped what they were doing, food would have been brought in, and both parties would have been happy.

However, when the captor comes across a stubborn person who refuses to go along with the program, a self-perpetuating cycle of control and rebllion is created. Whereas the captor would probably have never considered the idea before, the stubborn prisoner, refusing simple requests for protocol during feeding time, has now tempted the captor into creating a situation where the unwilling person's pride will be broken.

Which is exactly what Jack fears. He doesn't want to do what the Other says because that means his will has been broken, he has given up, he has lost. The Other never would have felt this way had Jack just done what she had requested because she would have never received any opposition in the first place. Opposition created the desire and the situation for breaking in the stubborn stallion.

So, a short time later, the Other returns. Jack is exhausted, bleary eyed and sore. She has another plate of sandwiches and a bottle of cool water. She tells Jack he is dehydrated and needs to drink to keep his energy up. This time, Jack relents. He puts his back against the wall and sinks to the floor, allowing the woman to come in with the food.

Instead of opening the door to come in, she opens the door to go out, turns and says "Thank you, Jack." She has just confirmed his worst fear. Jack showed them that he could be broken, that he would do as they say. All they had to do was wait. He thought he would get the food. Instead, he lost.

But had Jack relented in the first place, he never would have felt that he was losing to the degree he does later, and the Other would not feel as triumphant. That is why a trait such as stubborness does not do its user well.

I am the same way. I do not like to concede defeat. I have a terribly hard time just "letting things go". If I were in a situation where it might seem I was giving in, or losing by an action of mine, I probably would not think much of it until someone else suggested the idea that I was giving in. Then that stubborness kicks in, and I will refuse. The same happened with Jack. The Other told him he was stubborn and that putting his back against the wall was not the same as losing and giving in. But you tell that to a stubborn person and he/she will think that thought exactly.

Where does it come from? All my life I've been told I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to it. Parents teach that to their kids today. Its an effort to right the wrongs of the past in which adults never pursued their career dreams. Perhaps other things got in the way; kids, family, relationships, other jobs. They don't want the same to happen to their kids, so they tell them a child can do anything if they try.

So I was taught from a very early age that I had limited control over everything I do. And I believe that, staunchly. It's extremely hard for me to accept, in certain situations, that I do not have control. Recovering alcoholics tell themselves over and over that there are situations beyond their control. It helps them to not get angry, to not feel defeated and lost when things do not go their way.

But that doesn't work with me. The idea that something is beyond my control is foreign to me. Sure, I can't control what people think, how they act, what they like or don't like. But part of me thinks I can sway them. By my actions, I can make them reconsider. So when things do not go my way, I don't think "This is beyond my control. Just accept it."

No. Instead I think "I can figure this out; I can make it work. I just have to figure out how." Why? Because I'm a stubborn SOB.

I can go with the flow. I can accept other people's viewpoints and calmly and intelligently discuss them. I don't try to change their ideas. I don't try to change people. I just try to change myself to adjust to the situation and to make it work.

Stubborness didn't work for Jack. Who knows if it will really work for me. One of these days I might find out the hard way and like Humpty Dumpty have a bad fall. But until then, I'll keep working at it, still believing that anything is possible.

Why? Because I'm such a damned optimist too.

--Cbake