"In the year Two Thouuuusaaaaaand!"

--Conan O'Brien

Well folks, it's time for me to open that third eye, brush up on my sixth sense, and once again give you all a glimpse, a glimpse into...

... The Fuuuuuuuuu-tuuuuuuuure!!!

2005 was a great year for movies. At least, I think it was. The critics said so. The only Best Picture nominee I saw was "Munich", and I still only know George Clooney as the great comic actor from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" and "Batman and Robin".

But 2005 had "Star Wars: Episode III", "Batman Begins", "War of the Worlds", "King Kong", "Narnia", "Munich", and "Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit"; great entertaining films I did see. I wish I had made it to "A History of Violence", "Good Night and Good Luck", "Brokeback Mountain", "Syrianna", "Crash", "The Constant Gardener", "Memoirs of a Geisha", "Cinderella Man", "The New World", "March of the Penguins", "Murderball", "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room", "Hustle and Flow", "Match Point", "The Squid and the Whale", and many many others, but fate, and my checking account, said otherwise.

There don't seem to be any massive blockbusters on the radar screen for this year. No films by Spielberg or Jackson, nothing from the big franchise films (save for a few superhero movies), and STILL no new movie from James Cameron. Seriously. Someone should wake that guy up and get him outta the ocean.

But without further ado, here is my list of films I'm looking forward to in 2006 (in order of release).


V For Vendetta
March 17

Based on a graphic novel I've never read, but produced by the Wachowski Brothers, creators of "The Matrix" trilogy. It's the story of freedom fighters in a future, totalitarian London, rallying against the oppressive government that restricts freedoms and uses secret police to enforce the new order. Let's hope this isn't truly indicative of our future in a fearful, post 9/11 world. This movie is also responsible for the always stunning Natalie Portman's surprisingly sexy, short hair.

Trailer


Inside Man
March 24

From Spike Lee (whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?), a movie about a bank heist. Sounds boring, right? Yeah, I'd think so too. Only this one stars Oscar winning and Oscar nominated actors like Denzel Washington, Jodie Foster, Clive Owen, and Willem DaFoe. If they signed on, they must have faith in the project. The trailer makes it look like there will be some interesting twists and turns, so I think I'll be buying a ticket.

Trailer


A Scanner Darkly
March 31 or July 28?

Based on a novel by Phillip K. Dick, whose other stories went on to become "Blade Runner", "Total Recall", "Minority Report", and "Paycheck" (which some might want to forget), it's the mind-bending story of a drug-addicted cop in the future who's hot on the tails of a notorious drug dealer. The catch? He is the drug dealer; the drug is known for creating split personalities, unbeknownst to the user. Writer/Director Richard Linklater uses the same process he did for "Waking Life", in which he filmed the actors in live action, then had animators trace over their movements to create a trippy, surreal effect. Check out the trailers to see what I mean.

Trailers


Mission: Impossible: III
May 5

That's a lot of colon. What's it about? Hell if I know. What I do know is that the trailer looks kickass. That shot of an explosion knocking a fleeing Tom Cruise into the side of a car, whose windows are blown out from the impact, as a jet roars past overhead looks quite realistic, much more so than the helicopter shot from the end of the first one. It's helmed by J.J. Abrams, co-creator of my favorite show "LOST", and also stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman and UNC alum Billy Crudup. Say what you will about his couch-jumping antics, I still dig Tom Cruise. And nothing beats that theme song. Groovy, baby.

Trailer


X-Men III: The Last Stand
May 26

Whew, where to begin with this baby. Most of you know where I stand on this already. First, the cons: Bryan Singer, director of the first two movies, left this project to pursue his deam, "Superman Returns", which had a void in the director's chair when Brett Ratner ("Rush Hour", "Red Dragon") was ousted. Coincidentally, it was Brett Ratner who then stepped up to the plate to helm this project in Singer's wake. The problem is, lots of people don't like Brett Ratner. The other major problem is Fox Studios, like a jealous and bitter ex-girlfriend in a "nyah nyah" fit, decided to prove they could make an X-Men film without Singer, and chose to rush this into production without ample pre and postproduction time to truly make this film great. They're also touting this as the last X-Men film (who wants THAT?! I ask you!), but everyone knows money talks, so it sounds like they're going to pull out all the stops with this one and ruin any chance for potential sequels (not counting the Wolverine spinoff movie). Other things I don't like about the project: It was written by Simon Kinberg who wrote "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and the sequel to "XXX". They did not ask Alan Cummings to come back as Nightcrawler, the most interesting character of "X2". They've crammed a TON of heroes and villains into it, which suggests a lack of development and focus with regards to individual characters. However, here's what I DO like: They finally brought onboard the Beast, and they couldn't have picked a better actor than Kelsey Grammar to bring this intellectual furball to life. They've also brought in the Dark Phoenix, Colossus has a larger role (thank God), and there looks to be a killer war between the X-Men and Magneto's Brotherhood of Mutants with humans caught in the middle, something that's been alluded to since the first film. Here's to hoping this is a fitting sequel, deserving of the "X-Men" moniker, though I don't know how they can top "X2".

Teaser


Cars
June 9

The new PIXAR film. 'Nough said.

Trailer


Superman Returns
June 30

True, Fox may get the jump on Singer by releasing "X3" first, but Singer may have the last laugh, because it sounds as though he has knocked this one of the park, a sequel to the lost "Superman" franchise. And thank God he jumped onboard. This project languished for years with Tim Burton once attached to direct and Nic Cage playing the Man of Steel (he did just name his kid Kal-El) before it changed hands to McG (of "Charlie's Angels") and then Brett Ratner before finally being saved by Singer. Supes is played by an unknown, and that's key. Lex Luthor is played by Kevin Spacey, a choice that excites every fanboy. Lois Lane is played by natural blonde Kate Bosworth (brunette in this), and while I'm not sure she looks like the Lois Lane I remember, she's hot. So who cares. This film takes place after "Superman 2", and pretends that "3" and "4" never took place (wise choice). There is talk that Singer and co. took unused footage of Marlon Brando to incorporate his character of Jor-El into this new film, and you can see that in the teaser. If you never got the Christ-like references regarding Superman before, they're laid out for you in the preview below. Dig that John Williams hero music.

Teaser


Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
July 7

YEAAARGH! Like "X3", I've written about this before too. Jack Sparrow is a wonderful character, and Johnny Depp rocks. Keira Knightley is beautiful, and pirates kickass. Especially dead pirates that are half-mutated sea-creatures too... Well, hell, it looks like there's a giant octopus attack in this one, and the swashbuckling scenes look likely to top those in the first film. I'd buy me ticket now if I could. Also glad to see director Gore Verbinski (of the first "Pirates" and "The Ring) is back to helm it. Yo ho, yo ho! A pirate's life for me!

Teaser


Lady in the Water
July 21

Like all of M. Night Shyamalan's films, not much is known about this one, except that its apparently... a bedtime story? Whatever. The trailer has some beautiful cinematography and peaceful music. I dig. It also stars Paul Giamatti and up and coming actress Bryce Dallas Howard. I dig. She's a beauty and will be playing Gwen Stacey in "Spider-Man 3". I dig even more. But back to the topic at hand, she's apparently a water-nymph (mermaid?) that Giamatti finds in the apartment pool he cleans. Interesting... sounds almost like the mermaid movie "Splash" that Bryce Dallas Howard's father, Ron, directed in the 80's, eh?

Teaser


Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
August 4

Will Ferrel is a NASCAR driver. Well, I'm a fan of only one of those nouns, so let's see if it's enough to get me in the theater. Produced by "40 Year Old Virgin" and "Undeclared" helmer Judd Apatow, and directed by Adam McKay of "Anchorman" suggests it could be very funny. I'm most interested in this because I worked on it for two days last summer, and it was shot in and around Charlotte.

Trailer


Snakes on a Plane
August 18

Snakes on a plane starring Samuel L. m**herf**king Jackson! "Let's combine two of people's greatest fears: flying and snakes." BRILLIANT!

No trailer


Idlewild
August 25

A musical set in Depression-era south and starring Outkast? Hell yeah.

Trailer


Grindhouse
September 22

Buddies Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez combine forces to bring you a movie that's two films in one, "Death Proof" and "Planet Terror" respectively. QT's is a slasher flick and RR's is a violent zombie movie. The two hope to capture that feeling of seeing grindhouse exploitation flicks in the 70's, and plan to air trailers for fake blacksploitation and sexploitation films in between the two features.

No trailer as of yet.


And there you have it. As you can see, aside from the two superhero flicks, this year doesn't look to have many big-budget, special FX heavy films like we've seen in years past. Hell, last year had Jedi knights, attacking aliens, giant gorillas, talking lions, and dragon-fighting wizards. This year has X-Men and Superman and... and... Pirates.

Here's to hoping it's a great year!

--Cbake

"Well, I'm not the president, so I don't deserve a fancy phone."

--Arrested Development

My cell phone of five years, an old Nokia, finally died recently. I'm sure many of you remember this old dinosaur of a phone when you carried it around in high school or college; it was originally blue but came with interchangable covers of different colors and patterns to give you options when accessorizing your eveningwear. I myself didn't join the communications bandwagon until my sophomore year at college, but the phone stayed with me through all my trials and tribulations, trials that often resulted in the phone catapulting from my hands and breaking on the floor.

The phone did not have a color screen and predated the now standard camera function by a few years. It wasn't a flip phone, and it couldn't play real songs. It did, however, have a "Composer" function that allowed you to create your own ringtones, something I did with the help of an old friend who found the right combination of keys to press to give me the iconic "Simpsons" theme by Danny Elfman. For those of you who know me, I never changed that ringtone in the five years I used the phone, save only around Christmas when "Frosty the Snowman" was heard beeping from my pocket.

For the past few years, my mom and others have tried to convince me to get a new phone, but I wouldn't budge. You see, the phone's standard feature (that now seems all but extinct in newer models) of having interchangable covers is what allowed my phone to live as long as it did.

I'm not going to admit to being a clumsy man, nor to having butterfingers as it might decrease my chances of being picked quickly in impromptu touch-football games, but let's face it: I dropped that phone a lot. A lot.

When that phone hit the ground, however, the outer shell would burst apart at its seams, the keypad would fly in the air, and the core would bounce on the asphalt. The first time this occured, I thought for sure I had killed my phone. I quickly realized, however, that I could just slide the rubber keypad back over the core, fix the outer shell on both sides, and voila, it was as good as new.

You have no idea how often this occured. My most famous moment happened during my very first visit to East Carolina University with Laura Burdorff (girlfriend of one David Sloan). After a night of drunken revelry in which I left her to see my friend Graham, I tried to find my way back to the correct apartment we were staying at. I arrived at what I thought was the right door on the right floor, but after banging away for a few minutes with no response, I realized I actually had no idea where Laura was and where we were staying.

I started to descend the steps from the third floor of this alien apartment building and pulled out my phone to call Laura. An unstable, drunken gait caused my feet to slip out from under me, and my fingers couldn't grasp the phone during the fall.

I watched in horror as that blue Nokia sailed through my fingers, out of my hand, and into the dark night- right over the stairway balcony. I leapt to the edge and peered over in time to see my phone shrink into the distance and explode on the ground three flights below, an anguished cry escaping my lips.

I ran down the stairs (more carefully this time), and put my phone back together to most appreciately find that it still worked. I called Laura and (she'll back me up on this one because she loves to tell this story too) the first words from my mouth, in such a sad, sorry tone, were "My phone esploded."

After many similar events, I decided that I'd be better off not ever getting a new phone. The collapsible Nokia fit my... excitable nature rather well. If I were to get a newer, more complex, and ultimately more expensive phone, chances are I would have dropped it in three weeks and it would have flat out broken with no hope of repair. The phone companies would have loved that.

Which is why I don't think they make these phones anymore; the companies can't make as much money off of them. Newer phones today are overly complex and designed to have us spend more money. My replacement phones are much harder to navigate than my old Nokia. With my old phone, I knew exactly which buttons to push to dial my father or my voicemail without ever having to look at the screen, something that was quite handy while on the road. I could also change my profiles to go silent while in movie theaters or libraries by only having to hit three buttons.

Today's phone has too many functions to successfully navigate quickly; too many buttons, too many menus. To dial my father or go silent takes far more button pushing than it used to. New phones also seem to be lacking a "Composer" function, so now I will never hear my Simpsons ringtone, or create the theme from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", ever again.

That is, unless, I decide to purchase those tunes online. Yeah, that's right, a way for the phone companies to make more money! (At this point, you're probably thinking I am delving into conspiracy theory, and you're not that far off, really.) Newer phones come with horrible, bland ringtones, a decision, it seems, designed to get us to buy our favorite songs from the internet so we won't have to listen to awful chimes every time someone calls. Want a fun game to play? Well "Snake" is no longer standard, so I'll probably have to buy that too. Only if I can play "Mega Man" or "Donkey Kong Jr." on my phone will I be truly impressed.

Ah, old blue dinosaur Nokia, how I miss you. How I wish I hadn't dropped you in the cold night air onto unforgiving pavement. You still worked, just like you always did, your viewscreen a shining green beacon of functionality (a Bushism). Only now you had grown deaf. You could still chirp "The Simpsons" when my girlfriend called, but no longer could you and I hear what she had to say. No longer could I hear a ringtone when dialing my voicemail. The lines were silent.

And since one-way communication with someone is just a bad, bad idea, I decided it was time to let you retire. Special thanks go out to Leslie Street and Cynthia Wilkinson (my girlfriend's mom) for allowing me to use their old phones during my time of need.

But fear not, blue dino, if I can find a way to make you better, stronger, faster, without the need of six million dollars, you will come out of retirement and see the light of day once again.

--Cbake