Well, it happened, just as we all knew it would. Despite being told Paris Hilton would not receive special treatment and after having her original sentence of 45 days in prison reduced to only 23, Paris Hilton was released today and sent home. The explanation? "Medical issues".
Reports had surfaced that Paris was not eating or sleeping in prison and spent a lot of time crying on the phone to her mom after 48 hours behind bars (no one's ever accused her of being spoiled). She complained of struggling to sleep amid a "noisy" and "freezing" cell with only three blankets and one pillow.
This girl needs a wakeup call. A wakeup slap upside the head with something other than a man's penis. *WHAP!* HELLO! That's PRISON you dumbf**k! It's not supposed to be comfortable! It's not supposed to be like sleeping in one of Daddy's hotels. There are people in this world who would LOVE to spend the night in a prison cell because they have actual *blankets* instead of cardboard sheets you had to shiv a hobo for just to keep warm that night.
But of course Paris doesn't realize that. I doubt it's sunk in at all that this is normal for a great many people. She gets cold and tired and loses her appetite, and instead of having an epiphany about the world and its problems and what she as a rich and elevated person of society could do to alleviate some of them and make this world a better place, she goes and cries to Mommy and Daddy and gets herself out of that unfairly small cell.
Paris was fitted with an ankle bracelet and sent home this morning where she will carry out 40 days of house arrest as punishment. "House Arrest" in this case is a joke. When you've got enough money for private chefs, swimming pools, waterfalls, and probably your own private zoo, where is the punishment? Is she going to spend 40 days musing about what she did wrong and how she can benefit society? Or is she going to spend it surfing the internet, tanning by the pool, listening to music, and watching movies at her personal, in-home theater?
I guess celebrities everywhere can now breathe a sigh of relief; Lindsay Lohan especially, since her path is taking her toward getting arrested for drunk driving and posession of narcotics like cocaine. No worries Red! Just cry, stop eating (you already know how to do that, don't you), and proclaim that your state of mental health is deteriorating under such trying circumstances. Let this be a lesson to all celebrities in the future that you too can get out of jail free and spend some quality time at home instead. Sorry you didn't learn this tactic earlier, Robert Downey Jr.
All the rest of you normal folk put into jail are just gonna have to cowboy up.
And Scooter Libby- you now know what to do.
--Cbake
UPDATE: Apparently officials claim Paris has already served FIVE days in prison. For those of you playing at home, you know Paris was admitted Sunday night and released today, so that should only be three days, correct? Not if you're in Hollywood, home to fuzzy math. Being admitted sunday night counts as one WHOLE day. Then you have Monday (2), Tuesday (3), and Wednesday (4). Then, being released this morning at 2 AM, those two early am hours count as a fifth whole day. Retarded, I know. But then again, we *are* talking about Paris Hilton, aren't we.
